Once upon a time, in a seemingly small world, there was a lass, who was afraid of everything. Everything around her seemed so much bigger than herself, and she came to think she could never be brave. She dreamed of a glorious future, but never really believed it was within her reach, so she never tried to grasp it with her hands. She waited for somebody to come and save her from herself, but nobody ever did.
Drunk on the idea that life would happen to her only if somebody else taught her how to live, she signed off the papers to have no responsibility for her life. She blamed fate, genetics and stars for who she wasn’t. She read a lot, and once she stumbled upon a certain quote.
“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
But in ourselves, that we are underlings.”
She thought it was nicely written and moved on with her life. The fault was still in her stars, or so she claimed. She didn’t know where she was heading to, but everything was lined to be rather… unsurprising. As it is often with plans and expectations, nothing went out like planned. Worse, it turned out to be completely opposite to whatever she had planned for herself before. She was kicked out of her fairytale and failed herself like never before, so she didn’t really know what kind of story would she fit in. She started doubting if she was supposed to be in any story at all. Now she was a lass, who was afraid of everything and knew nothing, not even herself. At first, she only mourned who she was. What she had. What she lost. Days were passing by very quickly, and she felt stuck. She wasn’t the old herself, but neither the new one. She was nothing, and she longed to finally become something.
Desperate, she took a step and went into the unknown because the alternative would be drowning in the emptiness, and she was never a good swimmer. After one step, there was another one, and another one and another one… Suddenly she discovered than thinking of the next step is scarier than actually taking it. She was fully entering the unknown and it left her breathless. Breathless of awe and new found joy, not fear and panic.
The first stop of the unknown was France, and she found there way more than she had expected. Sure, they had a great cuisine, beautiful architecture, and a lovely language, but what she had found there was far more valuable to her – she found her peace. She was living with a family she had never met before, taught English to their children, and walked by the beach every day. The North Sea was cold, gloomy and whimsical, but it brought her peace, and joy. The family she lived with was full of love and trust, and it was a remedy to all of the world’s wrongings. She wasn’t terribly scared anymore. She still felt fear, but it didn’t paralyse her like it used to. The sea took away the fears and sadness, which weighed her down, and she came back home slightly changed. She met the most wonderful people and saw the loveliest places, so it made her rethink if the fault was really just in her stars.
The home was sweet and safe, but the concept of fear and stars kept crossing her mind all the time. She knew that growth was outside of her comfort zone, and her comfort zone was terribly small. Travel was a way to go. She decided to become an au pair again. Being with children was like relearning everything you knew about the world, and she sought to learn it anew. 2 planes and countless of thoughts later she was in Catalonia.
Catalonia was vibrant, lively and full of opportunities. She tried food she swore she would never try before, met people from all walks of life, saw places so different to what she was used to and realised… she was doing it. She was living the life she actually enjoyed. It wasn’t perfect, but that wasn’t the point. It was the life she loved, and somehow it was enough. The people she had met, the family she had lived with, they made her rethink everything she knew. She stopped looking for fixed answers. Sometimes they were none, and that was perfectly fine.
A year before she said she would never learn to cook, since she was hopeless at it. In Catalonia, she cooked a meal she’d never done, and it turned out fine. Nobody died from food poisoning, the taste didn’t cause the outburst of desperate cry, and people were quite happy with it. The craziest thought came across her mind: maybe she actually could. She could learn how to cook. If she could cook, maybe she could do other things, too. Suddenly the knowledge that maybe, maybe she could do it all opened her eyes, and she finally let the light in. Poor stars got a deserved break since the fault wasn’t in them. Not anymore.
Once upon a time, in an incredibly big world, there was a lass, who discovered that fear is not an obstacle, but a step in her way. She understood it was okay to be scared as long as you don’t let it keep you out of the game. She took a breath and divided into the unknown, and it wasn’t so scary anymore. Steinback’s words echoed in her head, as she took a plane back to home, sweet, home.
‘And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.’
Never had any sentence hit home as much as that one back then. Without everything always planned, without a desire to be always perfect, she could be good. She could try new things even if she failed at them in the beginning, she could be silly and human, and she could be simply… happy. In the end, nothing had ever helped her more than her fears did. All she had to do was to listen to them instead of running away, and she did listen. Finally. Then, she lived happily ever after… Wait, shh, the wrong ending! In fact… the story’s to be continued.
Hi, guys! As you probably have already guessed the story is about me. I haven’t blogged for so long because I needed some time to rediscover myself. I am back now, and I am full of new ideas, so if you still want to stay with me, I would love you to visit Paper Coffee Store and enjoy some paper coffee with me. Some changes are definitely coming, but I am still thinking about their taste, shape and meaning. Stay tuned, and May Force be with you!
Have a lovely day,