Connect! Connect! Connect!

“City of stars, are you shining just for me?” I am whispering with Ryan Gosling, as I wonder through the streets of Warsaw. The city blinds me with the sea of lights, and people are always too close, but I smile. I smile, and I don’t fake it. I don’t smile on purpose – my smile is an independent creature, and it does as it wishes. I’m completely and undeniably appalled by an incredible variety of life that surrounds me, and I can’t help but smile. My soul is dancing like crazy, and it wants everybody to know that it’s in awe. I meet people, discuss life, rethink concepts I was sure about, read books, then, read, even more, listen to French music, cook and then repeat everything. I look at my life and I like what I see, and everything’s perfect. Everything’s perfect until society comes to destroy my peace of mind. Another song on the radio tells me I’ll only feel whole when I connect with somebody, and I start to question if it’s perfectly okay to feel good on my own. I hear “connect! connect! connect!” everywhere and I wish I could fade away because that’s one thing I’ve always been terrible at. Connecting.

Over years I’ve met numerous wonderful people with beautiful souls and sharp minds, but have I ever established a true connection? I might have, I might have not. I never know since eventually I always retreat into myself. That’s my only safe harbour. I know Superman would’ve never willingly admitted kryptonite was his weakness, but I’ll be bold. For once, I’ll be bold and I’ll say it aloud. Ladies and gentlemen: I’m afraid of attachment more than anything on this Earth. I don’t believe in forever, and I’ve seen far too many people crawling in the name of love, romantic or platonic, to believe it’ll ever give me peace. From time to time I meet people who make me think I’m not lonely anymore, but it’s perfect illusion. Eventually, I am always lonely. No matter how to paraphrase it, I am never completely at ease within my soul. I am always looking for something to bring magic into life and even with crowds around me, I can feel the taste of anticipation on the end of my tongue. The anticipation for everything I am yet to explore, discover, uncover, savour. I don’t attach myself to people. I attach myself to ideas. Only ideas are timeless.  I care about people but there are not like oxygen I need to breathe. It doesn’t mean they are not dear to my heart: it simply means they are not my heart. Maybe someday I’ll take a step back and feel whole with somebody else by my side. For now dear society, please let me connect with myself. I am not scared to be lonely. I am scared to be disconnected from myself. Ultimately, befriending myself… that’s an adventure of the lifetime.

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One thought on “Connect! Connect! Connect!

  1. David Carbin

    Hi Jessie, it is good to hear your views again. I am sure that I am one of your oldest subscribers, I am 51 years young. I just want to tell you that as long as you are happy within yourself, then you might be alone, but you will never be lonely. Honestly, the rest of the world does not matter, do things that make you feel good. I want to tell you that you have inspired me to try and learn Spanish. Many years ago I tried to learn French and German at school, but it just did not happen for me, I am so pleased to have found Spanish, I think it is a beautiful language. I love to read about your views on life, and believe me, despite the age gap, you have connected with me.
    Take care,
    best wishes,
    Dave.

    Like

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