“City of stars, are you shining just for me?” I am whispering with Ryan Gosling, as I wonder through the streets of Warsaw. The city blinds me with the sea of lights, and people are always too close, but I smile. I smile, and I don’t fake it. I don’t smile on purpose – my smile is an independent creature, and it does as it wishes. I’m completely and undeniably appalled by an incredible variety of life that surrounds me, and I can’t help but smile. My soul is dancing like crazy, and it wants everybody to know that it’s in awe. I meet people, discuss life, rethink concepts I was sure about, read books, then, read, even more, listen to French music, cook and then repeat everything. I look at my life and I like what I see, and everything’s perfect. Everything’s perfect until society comes to destroy my peace of mind. Another song on the radio tells me I’ll only feel whole when I connect with somebody, and I start to question if it’s perfectly okay to feel good on my own. I hear “connect! connect! connect!” everywhere and I wish I could fade away because that’s one thing I’ve always been terrible at. Connecting.
Over years I’ve met numerous wonderful people with beautiful souls and sharp minds, but have I ever established a true connection? I might have, I might have not. I never know since eventually I always retreat into myself. That’s my only safe harbour. I know Superman would’ve never willingly admitted kryptonite was his weakness, but I’ll be bold. For once, I’ll be bold and I’ll say it aloud. Ladies and gentlemen: I’m afraid of attachment more than anything on this Earth. I don’t believe in forever, and I’ve seen far too many people crawling in the name of love, romantic or platonic, to believe it’ll ever give me peace. From time to time I meet people who make me think I’m not lonely anymore, but it’s perfect illusion. Eventually, I am always lonely. No matter how to paraphrase it, I am never completely at ease within my soul. I am always looking for something to bring magic into life and even with crowds around me, I can feel the taste of anticipation on the end of my tongue. The anticipation for everything I am yet to explore, discover, uncover, savour. I don’t attach myself to people. I attach myself to ideas. Only ideas are timeless. I care about people but there are not like oxygen I need to breathe. It doesn’t mean they are not dear to my heart: it simply means they are not my heart. Maybe someday I’ll take a step back and feel whole with somebody else by my side. For now dear society, please let me connect with myself. I am not scared to be lonely. I am scared to be disconnected from myself. Ultimately, befriending myself… that’s an adventure of the lifetime.